I am using Throwback Thursday to share with you my journey. I took a little trip down memory lane this afternoon while listening to old music and flipping through pictures from my past. I recall the good, the bad, the ugly, and the stressful. As I stared into the fake smiles I would flash at the camera, I reflected on how far I have come in my journey. I was also surprised to make a realization, I didn’t like actually smiling for the camera. Part of that is because I am a silly person, but looking at these photos now I realize I use that silly or ugly face to hide my insecurities. Who was I to be pretty, who was I to take myself seriously?
I had low confidence, disordered body image, and together those created disordered eating habits. Times of stress would cause me to stop eating all together, and I would get physically ill. I specifically remember having to be sewn into my ball gown because I hadn’t eaten and caused myself to change size in a very short amount of time. Even then I still didn’t look like my friends. I was the chubby friend who could never swap dresses, jeans, or cute clothes. They were the cheerleader/volleyball team size 0-2, I was the non-athletic student size 12-14. I didn’t know or understand exercise outside of being terrible at PE and hanging out with the “we hate this” crowd.
I carried these insecurities with me into college. I did however find a “solution”…alcohol. This “liquid courage” that would make my insecurities melt away. Trust me this did not end well, these habits were very destructive. Being a Theatre Major I was fixated on comparing and competing, again a super destructive habit. I did not create a mindset or community that was positive and up lifting. I didn’t understand these concepts at that age. I just went with the crowd acting, being, looking like what I believed was desirable. I made many mistakes in college, and learned many valuable lessons. I would not trade that for anything. I do not regret who I was, I am grateful for my experiences and who it has helped me become today.
There were moments, and memories from college that were wonderful! I did make some life long friends, and learned some life long lessons. I cannot tell you how many jobs I have been offered based solely on my interview skills. (Thank you Theatre Degree) I also started experimenting with exercise and fitness in college. Spin class, Zumba, 10k runs, Elliptical…oh my! Love/hated my personal trainer, I didn’t understand why I had to get so sore after my workouts?! I never stepped foot in the weight room (that was for boys…common knowledge because you never saw girls there…HA!) We belonged up stairs on the ellipticals and the machines. I have come a long way from my cardio queen days. I did loose some weight this way in college. A bit of fad diet, yo-yo weight loss, but becoming active did help me change size and boost my confidence even just a tiny bit. Nothing stuck for good.
Stress, and trying to be perfect, and comparing myself to media and others still had a very big negative affect on me. After hitting rock bottom, sick and living in Seattle, I knew I had to change. I knew that I had an interest in fitness…or at least I wanted to teach Spin Class! I decided that was my dream job. I moved again, up to Bellingham. When I was at my lowest I found Ben, who believed in me and was a huge positive influence in my life. I started going to the Technical College to become a personal trainer. Ben and Bellingham did more than just give me a new home, they helped me find myself. I had finally surrounded myself with a positive work environment, up lifting school environment, and accepted love. I left everything negative behind me, or well South of me.
I had to find the strength to be myself. I found this strength while picking up heavy things and putting them back down. I found a tiny boosts of confidence in every Burpee. Feeling confident in the weight room changed me. My mind started to change, my spirit started to come alive, then my body followed. I had taken control of my mindset and my body. I had seen changes that I never thought possible. I was sure that a size 8 was just as low as my hips would go. By changing the shape and composition of my body I started buying smaller and smaller jeans. The first time I had to purchase size 2 jeans…I couldn’t believe it. Strength, Fitness, and Positivity has helped create the life I now live: the life I love, the body I love. I had a complete transformation. (Side note: I am sharing size with you to give you a benchmark of where I was to where I am physically, every body is different. You must find the size that fits YOU, where you are strong and confident and healthy)
Now I dig deeper. I continue to push myself mentally and physically. I am not perfect I still have my weak moments, but they are just that MOMENTS. I no longer live in weak mindset. I rebound pretty quick with a set back. I continue to strive to surround myself with positivity. I slip up, but I have people around me to keep me headed in the right direction. I have found my purpose and it is to help people find their own transformation. Strength starts from the inside. My passion is not to help you loose 10, 20, 30 pounds, my purpose is to lead you on a journey that inspires you to embrace your strength and live in a body you love. Your figure will enjoy the benefits. You will change your body with time and commitment, but your journeys starts by finding and embracing the strength, confidence, and happiness that is YOU.
My #TBT “before” pictures and strong, happy, confident “after” pictures
My body changed, but my biggest accomplishment was strengthening my spirit and changing my life =)
